Saturday, January 29, 2011

Week in a min- and getting ready for a Six year old

HEY! Friday vlog post- there you are... it's only Saturday night. Cut me a break.
I have been sort of hiding out from the internet..
I would like to claim I have been hermit-ed away socially all together as well, but that's a lie.
Real life has had me ,SO, so socially done in the past week.

Rory told her teacher Ri lost his job- teacher told the woman who runs a program in the school for community outreach.
Telling me they could get Rory clothes and help us in anyway they can. Which was super sweet.. but did make me regret letting her wear my jacket and her oversize skirt to school that day,Dude she HAS clothes... I hardly ever have to buy her clothes because we have soo many relatives that love to do so. The woman from the school was very helpful,though, in looking for jobs with me, so I am still grateful that they have been there for us. I have called a few part time places with her help and Ri has had a few other places to put in apps....
...Unfortunately, nothing but a higher than avg dose of social anxiety has come of our efforts.

Ri still doesn't have a job. there were a few places that said to try back in FEB so we are just waiting it out..
This years tax return is going to getting us through the month. We are down to nothing- but the timing is decent for that at least.

With the exception of Rory's birthday coming when we are soo broke. We scraped up enough to get her a few things. Cleaned up the house and decided we would just sort of have an open house birthday gathering - inviting anyone that wants to stop in tomorrow afternoon. Our relatives have all chipped in to get us food , and supplies. Thank goodness.

I joined Lissy for a a trip to the hospital to visit Amy -- which was all sorts of stressful and awkward.Amy did seem almost herself though.
She IS out , and seemingly back to normal and home now.I guess that is good news?

Helped out in Rory's class again Tuesday and that went well. Rory is doing really awesomely in class- she got her report card and is doing great in everything. She is starting to read on her own - she gets really excited when she sees a sign or a label with a word she knows.

Mel stopped in with the kids a few times- and Lissy took me shopping to get a few things for Rory's party.
Jess & Steve have hung out a few nights- we played scrabble while the boys rode bikes ( Mwhaha ,My winning streak continues!) .

Welll- I am sure there is more- but HOPEFULLY, I will get back to you soon with updates about Rory's Party and turning in to a BIG SIX YEAR OLD KID-
If you want here are some links to her last few BDay posts :

Rory is Five!

Rory is FOUR!

-the 2nd one is full of Baby pics and memories too <3

If you live nearby you are welcome to stop in - Gimme a call ,
wish the kid happy birthday- or just post it here.
I can't thank you enough for the support and love. Rory's birthday will be small- but she knows she is loved and that people care, even though it has been a tough time for soo many of us.


Saturday, January 22, 2011

A min from our week-Vlog

A little late- and I didn't film much.AT ALL.
It has been a rough week, I almost didn't do a vid at all but I wanted to stick with it.

Rory has some stuff nose thing going on and was home all day being WILD yesterday ,as well -but she is in good spirits.
I still haven't planned or figured out much for her birthday- but I have had people offer support to just visit and be here for us, and help her have at least a good day that day.So much is up in the air about what we will be doing from one day to the next I am not sure I am ready to plan as far ahead as Sunday yet.I am sure it will be ok. We will do something small and we will know we are loved and hopefully she will understand, have fun with it and be ok with that.

Ri has done a few things here and there- and applied everywhere. Hopefully things will improve drastically soon.

Still not much news on Amy, but that she is staying in the psych ward.

Hopefully I will have more updates- and GOOD ones next time
for now- thank you all SOOOOO SOOO MUCH for your support and love.
It really means soo much to me. We are really blessed by the people in our lives.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Of Idioms and Sadness

I have had this post open for days .. but I don't know what to write,or how to write it all.
Helpless seems like an understatement for how I feel lately.

I have been going over the things I wrote in my last post- that I feel got misunderstood.
It won't help anything, and it doesn't matter .. but I have been mulling things over more.

Thing is, I AM a very emotional person-there is no denying that, I always have been.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve,and I write this blog from the same place.
It is my outlet , for it all- the place I use rambles to express those feelings, seek out others who maybe, understand
- but mostly just for me to process.. and that is what it always has been.

Unfortunately, emotions don't always translate well to words and leaving all of that exposed opens me up to a lot more possible hurt-...but it also helps me in many ways just to get it out.
I don't mean for my posts to be venting, bitching, word vomit- And I DO NOT mean to hurt anyone else with them, I often leave out specifics, I leave out peoples names,places , details- and just leave behind the feelings I have.
My bloggiest rambly blog posts are usually about me- and if you pay attention the main person I insult and judge is myself.

In my last post there was a specific indecent that hurt us, and maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it..but I did. It hurt us and it should be no surprise that it did ,
I didn't say what it was about- it wasn't important at the time.. it was more about the other feelings that it brought about.

It was a realization that Ri & I tend to give much of ourselves to other people. We may be bitter , sometimes ,people hating , judgmental, assholes about humanity in general
- but when either of us get to know someone we tend to love them unquestioningly, unconditionally and generously of ourselves.
Sometimes, only to find they can somehow think less of us than we ever could of them.
I said "in the past year"..but upon further reflection I realize it is something I have mentioned many times here, a behavior I have probably repeated my whole life... and I know Ri has as well.

Maybe, it is a mistake to put people on such high pedestals.Maybe, it is a mistake to love soo easily and openheartedly. Maybe, it is a mistake to carry my heart on my sleeve and expose my emotions.
..but it is who I am,and who Ri is. It is one of the many reasons I love Ri so deeply.
It HAS hurt me in the past, and at this rate probably will again- but I can't seem to convince myself it would be better to become bitter and stop trusting and loving other people.
I still have a tremendous amount of love for people in my life(probably more than most are aware)- even if it isn't always reciprocated the way I expect.

Everything is pretty horrible right now.
I guess, against perhaps better judgment - and since I have nothing more to lose,
I will let slip the hurt Friday was from an issue at his work. They thought he was(AND HAD BEEN!) stealing from them, AND then lying when they asked ,and he said he didn't know where 5 missing Styrofoam togo boxes went. He told them pointblank he would NEVER steal from them,but he didn't know where 5 boxes could have went.
It shook our world.
Ri LOVED his job. He was HAPPY to get up and go to work. He considered the owners/employers close friends. They had given us so much ,helped us so much,and taken so much care of us in rough times. Things felt perfect- and our future plans all included this job and them ,
because of that we were able to feel comfortable enough to move out here(risking our car and our credit- to pay more in rent) to put Rory in the school we wanted her to go to, and move to a community we were HAPPY for her to grow up in.It was a dream come true!
..and they seriously thought,NO, BELIEVED he would put all of that at risk : friendship, community , basically our life - for what ? to nickle and dime them? The people we were hugely grateful to ,the job he had based his life around for two years?
It was unfathomable- and we were hurt.
...they tried to work with Ri. it was uncomfortable at best- and he was very upset thinking they thought that of him.Then, they read my blogpost revealing my hurt and fired him for it.

At first I felt bed, but I chose my words on the matter very carefully- and it WASN'T just about them hurting us..
In the end really, I don't think it mattered. It already felt as though they were waiting for some excuse to fire him.It would never be ok again.

We had built everything we have here on that job.We have nothing else.

Right now , we don't know what we will do. We don't know how we can stay here ,and we don't know where we can go.
Ri has spent every day since looking for work.-It is slow season here and slower than normal this year with the weather and we haven't found anywhere that is hiring.At best a few that were pissed off they were too overstaffed to hire him.

Everything is a reminder about what we gave up to come here-and what we are losing if we can't stay.Everything we had planned for our future here feels ripped from us.

Basically we are screwed and devastated. I have barely stopped crying in days.Ri has cried more than he probably wants me to confess here. I think the only reason we are making it through each day is that the range of emotions from angry, or distant, to depressed has not aligned in either of us at the same time. When one of us is angry and spewing curse words the other is suicidal.
We've tried to stay somewhat composed with Rory- but it didn't work and she has seen us both cry. We had to sit her down and explain that Dad lost his job and that we weren't sure what was going to happen.

She has been all abuzz because her birthday is the 30th ..and while I keep reminded her that we will probably do something small like go play putt-putt just the three of us, she doesn't seem to get that we can't invite everyone over for cake and ice cream. She spent her long weekend making little cards and party hats- that I said she could give out, but reminded her once again we weren't really going to have a party.
This morning she was in such a cheerful mood that I rode her to school calm and cool
--but on the way back stopped and sat on the water in between and just really cried for a minute.(and came home and laid in bed for hours doing the same while she wasn't here to hear me )
I don't have the words to describe feeling not good enough for your own child.
part of me just wants to sell everything we own and give up,on everything

I guess for the same reason I can't let being hurt make me bitter I can't let this beat us.We'll probably keep struggling until we find away - but it is hard to ignore the pain and fear talking.

Our friends have been really supportive, and I am unspeakably thankful for so many people just being around.. but there isn't much anyone can do. It is a hard time for most everyone.

I am sure there is much more I am leaving out- but I am just to drained to think of more.If you read all of this I really appreciate it.and I'm sorry.
I haven't really filmed much- but hopefully I will and will at least have a minute for you Friday.If not I'm sorry in advance.

To top it off
- my baby sis just got put in hospital for some sort of psychosis she has been speaking in some sort of word salad ,and acting out of sorts for days.

Please just send lots of prayers, or positive energy , luck, or something.



Saturday, January 15, 2011

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” -Mother Teresa

Friday Week Catch up :

but a bonus vid of all my FB pictures for those of you who waited

We had a pretty good week until Friday.

We battled the freezing freeezing weather. I know, I know I have NO right complaining about that- Florida is the ONLY state in the US that Didn't get ANY snow. But, dammit it is Florida and we STILL had hard freeezes and it was nasty wet cold. So I'll complain if I wanna . Florida's wet cold is made of evil. Some snow would have been almost nice.

We managed to beat down/hide out from the cold pretty well though, even played Wii ..On the back porch

Jess & Steve had an old big tv in their room and brought it to us! I guess they got tire of playing games on our tiny tv screen. So we set it up on the back porch Monday afternoon for a bit
- Somehow it didn't even rain on us (though it was raining everywhere else all over town)..AND I even bundled up and picked up the kid on the bike and beat the rain.
We need a new entertainment center to hold that behemoth of a television
Tuesday , I helped in the classroom- and the kids were MUCH better behaved than last time. Getting back into the swing of things after the winter break , I guess...Sucks thought because now they have it again and have a fourday weekend this week.-sigh-.

Lissy called me.. From the road. She had mumbled something about wanting to travel to DC and take the baby to see his Dad. She got Steph to tag a long and just up and left! I admire her ability to just take off with a kid. Of course, she JUST made it out of GA in time for them to shut it down because of the snow. She should be on her way back now and hopefully she makes it through safe and sound.
Here is a pic of them in DC- Very cold looking, I wonder how Nico is doing in the snow...
The positive about her being stuck up there is that they got to attend an ICANHASCHEEZEBURGER gathering AND got me a signed book! Squee!

While you are sending that relative some safe travel vibes
- send Dad some good health vibes, He got some bad news from his doc recently(still needs some more testing).So lots of good thoughts needed .
__----- After note- Lissy just called she is home safe. :)

Wednesday was a pretty alright day-
I bundled up and had to ride the bike in the FREEEZING cold-
We waited at the playground for Ri to get off work and take us home, instead of riding Rory back in the cold.



...Thursday was even colder though- So, I begged Steve & Jess to ride me out to pick her up. Thank goodness they did just the walk from the car to the school was wet/wind frozen.

I gotta say having Steve & Jess as local friends has helped us out in uncountable ways. They've been there when we have needed a hand or an ear. Jess makes a damn good scrabble opponent and even through we never knew each other growing up, we grew up with so many of the same people we have had countless nostalgic convos.

I should have known Friday would start crappy when I woke up SCREAMING with a charlie horse.
In the interest of not divulging too much personal matter here- I will say the day continued to be painful from there out.
The past year we were blessed in SO many ways , by so many people
-but, it almost seems a reoccurring theme that we give out so much of our love,trust and faith in other people ,just to feel like some of those people don't even notice and still manage to think the worst of us.
As though, despite all of effort to be good to others ,and just be good people -we can still be judged as a monster.
It reminds me of what Rory's teacher tells the kids to say to someone that insults them "It hurts my heart when you do that" .
It does indeed, hurt my heart.And Ri's heart.. I've never seen him so down.Plus, it makes me VERY angry for Ri. I am obsessive enough to always assume people think the worst of me..
it is new for anyone to think anything ill of Ri. He is a damn good person in so many ways that it is almost shocking someone would think otherwise.and it hurts so much more from people we love.

At least, Steve and Jess were able to jump over and just be here for us when we needed a shoulder.My friends and family have been here for us in so many ways over the years I at least know we ARE blessed with love and we will always have THAT in the end.
I don't know how we would cope sometimes if not for the love we have in our lives.
I guess I can never think everything is perfect though, seems there is always something that comes up to remind me that things are NEVER perfect- there are at best perfect fleeting moments- perfection in life is not attainable.

Well Anyways,
I still have the stink of Friday's depression on me- I am going to go shower it off and hope that Sunday is better.


Friday, January 7, 2011

Friday Vlog Post

The Friday Weekly wrap up blog post. ONCe again--
starting off the new year all fresh and shiny

1st- through the 7th.

I need a working title for the Friday video posts ... or Friday vids for that matter
Go forth minions and fetch me a catchy name!

(IDK if I have minions but I can pretend dammit.)

While I have you watching youtube vids

I was going to post golden radio voice dude,,,but I'm already sick of hearing about it.
Super happy for him though.

Well, theres always Action Figure Therapy .

Well The kid just came in from playing with the neighbors, Ri just got home-

I am soo glad weekend is here


Thursday, January 6, 2011

"There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency. " Jonathan Swift

Oh! Hi. insert generic myspace style bathroom mirror picture..triple,cause I have a 3door med cabinet..
and , apparently, still live in the year 2003.
Pretty much nobody uses myspace anymore.

Looks like it is time for me to blog some stuff.. mostly , since I have other stuffs I should be doing that I don't feel like doing.
We've been.. well..
we've been both busy and yet not,just trying to get back into our groove.

Let's go back in to time before forward..
Last Wednesday I was rushing to the middle of nowheresville with Lissy-one of our aunts from up north had come down so we met Mom there to say "hi!" quickly.
GrammaGrape gave the kids a few little things. Lissy and I raided the dollar store of half priced candy and then we hung out at Mom's for a bit before I got a ride home.
That was in my last vloggy post a little.. but that is pretty much the summation. If I had got around to writing this sooner there would probably be more cute stories. Well, maybe I'll get back to you on that if one comes to me.

In my last vlog there was also some footage of us going out on Ri's day off( or maybe it was before/after work? ) . We rode our bikes all the way to the beach. Rory did such a great job on the long ride. It was a little cold but a really great little ride. We tested out the firepit one of those nights and had s'mores with friends- Rory only ate a couple and didn't like chocolate on hers. Jess showed us the proper way to not burn a marshmallow, and Noobs begged her fuzzy butt off.

We also celebrated the New Year :) . Rory tried but wasn't able to stay up for midnight- we did drag her out of bed to show her the neighbors fireworks ( the burn ban didn't seem to stop the neighborhood from lighting the sky up).
We shared a bottle of champagne with Jess , Steve and Jay- it was gross. I had a sip and asked for a beer instead.

Lissy & Amy stopped in for a bit over the weekend bringing me my camera charger-Hey! I was only mildly panicked without it. It gave the kids another chance to play.
Not too much worry on that front though,Rory spent pretty much the entirety of her winter break hanging out with the boy across the street,playing video games...those are educational , right?

On Sunday it was Seth's Birthday- He wanted to go to the Japanese Steak House in town ,
they picked us up to celebrate with them.
I took some vids, but no pics..
Good thing for you Val does things like that- She just got an awesome new camera and caught some great moments (hopefully she won't mind me sharing:
Brad, Seth and Rory
That is the hat we got Seth for Xmas. Safe to say he loves it. :)

I was half worried about the Steak House , not knowing what they had veg, but they had tofu-
and LOTS of fried rice with butter.Luckily, I am not vegan.
Our chef
He managed to do all his quick cooking , food tricks WHILE watching the football game

The kids were captivated

Rory didn't love the amount of eggs in her fried rice, but she had a really great time.
(I thought the amt of eggs was perfect..but I am a glutton for punishment)

This pic is perfect. How on earth did Val manage to get a shot of Seth in between bites is beyond me - he argued with Val when she said he would be fine with the kids portion, but then he wolfed down the rice before the guy had barely started on the meats, AND had an extra helping of steamed rice.
Rory on the other hand sweetly ordered the kids portion(she loves ordering for herself).. she also ordered chicken which was sort of new, but i think she just wanted to be like the boys.

onion volcano and train - always amusing

Ri ordered tuna and got it soo pink I thought Val would be sick-lol it was really good tuna though, I even tasted it.
A sidenote though, dude used the butter from Cameron's(the Vimo driver-and all around awesome guy) shrimp to cook my tofu, I might have cringed more if i was allergic like my sis.Hey, at least he didn't use steak juice.
We all loved the food and ate more than we probably should've.

I love this pic. Classic Rory and Seth pic, it doesn't matter what Seth says he is Hilarious to her
Brad seemed to somehow always be hiding behind Ri ,or ducking out of photos.I think Val should start following him around with the camera, he is far too camera shy.

-Ri had worked Sunday morn, and we still hadn't had time to get Seth a birthday present, we will have to find some hours in the day to get back to that :( .
But we had a really great time. I am amazed Seth didn't walk out of there with a huge bloated belly, boy can eat.
Rory wanted us to go to Val & Tom's with them- but she had school in the morning, so we had to go home ( the boys had one more day off before winter break ended in their school, I think they planned to go home and play video games all night, poor Val ) .

Now we must start getting back into our groove.
Monday I did the whole school run, and it was COLD AND WET. ugh. I thought the cold had passed a bit. We raced there- Rory was SOOO eager to go back, she was racing out the door, I had to beg her to wait and not go too early.
She had been soo super crazy those last days of break I was eager for her to go back too.

On the plus side, I noticed when I helped her class Tuesday- She isn't the only kid all crazy after winter break. The whole class is louder and rowdier than usual. She even gave them 5 minutes on the wall during playground time.Tuesday was busy for me, I oddly liked it though. Ran the kid to school in the wetcold, then ran the dog (she loves the wetcold)
- hung out with Ri for a bit, Tuesday is HIS day off,
then ran back to school to help the crazies, than home and back again.

My days are blending though. I haven't quite fallen into the groove enough to remember :
which night I stayed up beating Jess at scrabble,
or which night I bribed the kid to do her homework and went to bed early with my monthly illness,
and which night I stayed up loosing horribly at wii games with Ri's buddies..
somewhere in there.

So far this week feels like a month. Day and night are like 2 days worth of junk.My brain is overloaded.
Hopefully, I will catch up.
Or maybe I will stop guzzling coffee and go to bed at a normal hour regularly- fat chance.

The RAIN finally came down Tuesday night.. So I made Ri get out of bed (grumpies and all) Wednesday morn and take the kid to school. It was clear enough Wednesday afternoon for me to think I could pick up the kid.. but it rained on us on the way to stop by and see Ri- So we ended up hanging out and having him drive her home.
I'm torn,
We NEED rain, badly..but my transportation method does not. plus, it is cold yucky rain.

At least today was nice, all be it a little cold. Rory even got to play a little at the playground with her best friend after school ( something I think they planned all along as we showed up at the playground at the same time. LOL).Right now, it is a little chilly- but it didn't stop Jay and Ri from taking a late night bike ride through town.

Despite her cranky whiny attitude at home , it seems Rory been doing really well in school this week. She has started writing her numbers backwards , but we have been working on it.She has been working on her -at and -an words , she is so close to reading on her own. She got 10 bluebehaviorbears and got to go in the treasure box, she picked out a pink jump rope (and , when she isn't practicing jumping on it - she has bragged to everyone in sight about it).
She has been going to bed and sleeping well-waking up well . She DID have a bit of a melt down the other day, and fell asleep in her bed when we put her there for timeout-but i think she is falling back into a school schedule already.

My mood hasn't been much better, I feel as inconsistent as the weather bouncing between high anxiety, grumpiness, and giggles and positivity.
Hopefully , as we get back into a routine , and 2011
my mood, AND the weather will find a comfort zone somewhere outside of extreme

Well, I could probably ramble all night.. but it is almost 3am and I have to be up at 7 to bike ride to school.
Forgive my late night grammatical errors.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy 2011!

Lil Quick Shorty Vlog for the New Year.
Hopefully, I will return to my rhythm (or maybe gain an even better actual rhythm ) as we get back into our weekly routine.and have more time ,ability and interest to post bloggy blogs.


And Since Neil Gaiman says things far better than I ever could