I have had this post open for days .. but I don't know what to write,or how to write it all.
Helpless seems like an understatement for how I feel lately.
I have been going over the things I wrote in my last post- that I feel got misunderstood.
It won't help anything, and it doesn't matter .. but I have been mulling things over more.
Thing is, I AM a very emotional person-there is no denying that, I always have been.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve,and I write this blog from the same place.
It is my outlet , for it all- the place I use rambles to express those feelings, seek out others who maybe, understand
- but mostly just for me to process.. and that is what it always has been.
Unfortunately, emotions don't always translate well to words and leaving all of that exposed opens me up to a lot more possible hurt-...but it also helps me in many ways just to get it out.
I don't mean for my posts to be venting, bitching, word vomit- And I DO NOT mean to hurt anyone else with them, I often leave out specifics, I leave out peoples names,places , details- and just leave behind the feelings I have.
My bloggiest rambly blog posts are usually about me- and if you pay attention the main person I insult and judge is myself.
In my last post there was a specific indecent that hurt us, and maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it..but I did. It hurt us and it should be no surprise that it did ,
I didn't say what it was about- it wasn't important at the time.. it was more about the other feelings that it brought about.
It was a realization that Ri & I tend to give much of ourselves to other people. We may be bitter , sometimes ,people hating , judgmental, assholes about humanity in general
- but when either of us get to know someone we tend to love them unquestioningly, unconditionally and generously of ourselves.
Sometimes, only to find they can somehow think less of us than we ever could of them.
I said "in the past year"..but upon further reflection I realize it is something I have mentioned many times here, a behavior I have probably repeated my whole life... and I know Ri has as well.
Maybe, it is a mistake to put people on such high pedestals.Maybe, it is a mistake to love soo easily and openheartedly. Maybe, it is a mistake to carry my heart on my sleeve and expose my emotions.
..but it is who I am,and who Ri is. It is one of the many reasons I love Ri so deeply.
It HAS hurt me in the past, and at this rate probably will again- but I can't seem to convince myself it would be better to become bitter and stop trusting and loving other people.
I still have a tremendous amount of love for people in my life(probably more than most are aware)- even if it isn't always reciprocated the way I expect.
Everything is pretty horrible right now.
I guess, against perhaps better judgment - and since I have nothing more to lose,
I will let slip the hurt Friday was from an issue at his work. They thought he was(AND HAD BEEN!) stealing from them, AND then lying when they asked ,and he said he didn't know where 5 missing Styrofoam togo boxes went. He told them pointblank he would NEVER steal from them,but he didn't know where 5 boxes could have went.
It shook our world.
Ri LOVED his job. He was HAPPY to get up and go to work. He considered the owners/employers close friends. They had given us so much ,helped us so much,and taken so much care of us in rough times. Things felt perfect- and our future plans all included this job and them ,
because of that we were able to feel comfortable enough to move out here(risking our car and our credit- to pay more in rent) to put Rory in the school we wanted her to go to, and move to a community we were HAPPY for her to grow up in.It was a dream come true!
..and they seriously thought,NO, BELIEVED he would put all of that at risk : friendship, community , basically our life - for what ? to nickle and dime them? The people we were hugely grateful to ,the job he had based his life around for two years?
It was unfathomable- and we were hurt.
...they tried to work with Ri. it was uncomfortable at best- and he was very upset thinking they thought that of him.Then, they read my blogpost revealing my hurt and fired him for it.
At first I felt bed, but I chose my words on the matter very carefully- and it WASN'T just about them hurting us..
In the end really, I don't think it mattered. It already felt as though they were waiting for some excuse to fire him.It would never be ok again.
We had built everything we have here on that job.We have nothing else.
Right now , we don't know what we will do. We don't know how we can stay here ,and we don't know where we can go.
Ri has spent every day since looking for work.-It is slow season here and slower than normal this year with the weather and we haven't found anywhere that is hiring.At best a few that were pissed off they were too overstaffed to hire him.
Everything is a reminder about what we gave up to come here-and what we are losing if we can't stay.Everything we had planned for our future here feels ripped from us.
Basically we are screwed and devastated. I have barely stopped crying in days.Ri has cried more than he probably wants me to confess here. I think the only reason we are making it through each day is that the range of emotions from angry, or distant, to depressed has not aligned in either of us at the same time. When one of us is angry and spewing curse words the other is suicidal.
We've tried to stay somewhat composed with Rory- but it didn't work and she has seen us both cry. We had to sit her down and explain that Dad lost his job and that we weren't sure what was going to happen.
She has been all abuzz because her birthday is the 30th ..and while I keep reminded her that we will probably do something small like go play putt-putt just the three of us, she doesn't seem to get that we can't invite everyone over for cake and ice cream. She spent her long weekend making little cards and party hats- that I said she could give out, but reminded her once again we weren't really going to have a party.
This morning she was in such a cheerful mood that I rode her to school calm and cool
--but on the way back stopped and sat on the water in between and just really cried for a minute.(and came home and laid in bed for hours doing the same while she wasn't here to hear me )
I don't have the words to describe feeling not good enough for your own child.
part of me just wants to sell everything we own and give up,on everything
I guess for the same reason I can't let being hurt make me bitter I can't let this beat us.We'll probably keep struggling until we find away - but it is hard to ignore the pain and fear talking.
Our friends have been really supportive, and I am unspeakably thankful for so many people just being around.. but there isn't much anyone can do. It is a hard time for most everyone.
I am sure there is much more I am leaving out- but I am just to drained to think of more.If you read all of this I really appreciate it.and I'm sorry.
I haven't really filmed much- but hopefully I will and will at least have a minute for you Friday.If not I'm sorry in advance.
To top it off
- my baby sis just got put in hospital for some sort of psychosis she has been speaking in some sort of word salad ,and acting out of sorts for days.
Please just send lots of prayers, or positive energy , luck, or something.
PEACE AND TOFU CHICKEN GREASE,