Thursday, October 30, 2008

Never ready

We searched the net for pumpkin designs- she wanted a difficult looking scooby doo -lantern
-until we saw one with flowers. So, I found a paper flower card,an traced it over and over. turne out way better than I thought.
It will go good with her fairy costume. We also roasted the pumpkin seeds, love them. Rory loves them so much I am considering buying a mark down pumpkin after halloween!
We didn't go out anywere on Ri's days off this week, he has been working a few mornings here an there for his boss, then spent Tuesday applying at stores, in a terrble mood about money-but I can't figure out how he'll make any decent money starting at a store,assuming they woul even hire someone,esspecially right now.
I admire that he still has it in him to try so hard.He did make yummy foods on his days off, and homemade bread.

I am having a shitty day.
I am so not equipped to deal with a 3 yr old lately.
I spend far too many moments wanting nothing more than to run to my room and hide under the blankets...and far too much time actually doing so.

So random.. one minute I am fine doing the fun mommy thing, crafts ,coloring and baking, the next I am rock bottom.

The child tantrums ,like, full out screaming tantrums whenever she gets tired or hungry- and considering our schedule is soo terrible we wake up in late afternoon to early evening hours, and we are so broke that our food is all things that requires a hunk of time to make from scratch...she hits sleepy/hunrgy tantrum mode a lot.When she is in tantrum mode every damn thing is meltdown worthy...she forgets how to use words ,falls to the floor in a heap of tears because she wants something I didn't even know she wanted.
I spend the duration of that time feeling like a horrible failure as a parent- that she is acting like that , that I can't please her in the 1st place, that I have so little pateince for it.
I already feel like a failure for a plethora of other things(which is both true in some areas -or just an outright lie that I start to blame myself for when OCD,depression ,and selfloathing aren't enough to make the walls close in) ,so my patience being constantly tried is a real bitch.

I keep trying to tell myself this will pass. The fall funk happens to me damn near every year, I find myself somewhere between Florida's shitty wet cold one day hot the next weather(putting me into hibernation mode), and our extreme belt tightening(putting Ri in an overly pouty mood)-
I find myself feeling out of touch with my community,my freinds, my family, and out of the loop about well everything. The added disconnection , hybernation mode swaddled with guilt for feeling so scared ,insecure, and out of touch inside my little bubble.

So I battle. I battle because if you could read my tone, you can see I know I shouln't hate myself, I know I shouldn't be so insecure, I know I can't fix what is already broken, I can't change the past- which I focus so much on,
I know I should get up and do something, I know there are things I should do-things I must do , and that this funk is primarily self inflicted..
I know I am lucky even if things are falling down all around me.
I know I am not as ugly, or pathetic ,as the distorted refletion I choose to see.I even shrug off people who are concerned about my mood - because I know its stupid,selfish and petty.

...but I just keep getting in deeper. Something has got to give.We just need something. I just want a break. ...I'm not even sure from what, as I am pretty much always on break.

I wasn't going to post this- just write it all out here,but screw it I'm leaving it.It isn'y for anyone, but me though. I'm sorry.

I guess tomorrow is Halloween. I am not sure yet what we will do. Rian MAY or MAY not work, it is a holiday he has to show up- but if anyone else is missing he will have to stay( I am not going to hold my breath that everyone else shows up :( ) . Terah wants us to trick or treat with her, she is scared to try and do it alone with her 2 kids,
and we had originally planned to go with Val to the church's trunk or treat party( Val and Terah haven't been friends for a yr now) .RI had also sort of wanted to go to St.Augustine. We looked online on Ri's days off for halloween parties we could go to while he was off...but they were all held last weekend. I feel like we already missed halloween, I hate that.
We'll see what happens tomorrow I guess.
I put together a pirate costume...but I don't know if I will wear it.Rory says she wants me to be a bat instead,but I can't toss together a bat costume that easily.Though, I do like bats.

The big local "everybody is having a yard sale party" is the day after Halloween....but I have not prepared. I keep putting it off. As much as I feel the need to organize my pack ratted junk and get rid of it. I have no desire to stack all that junk on the yard for the odd locals to rifle through ,hassle me over and then pay me a portion of their pocket change for....assuming they even venture down my dead end road in the 1st place.It's wasted stress. ...even though the stress of useless junk weighting me down isn't much better. (though past yrs have proven yard selling my junk does nothing to decrease its mass)besides it will likely be long over by the time I roll out of bed.

I should just bag it all up and drop it at goodwill,and admit defeat on never getting a possible 10 dollars in quarters out of some of it.
I should go throw something together to eat.


JACLYN said...

We've missed all the Halloween activities around here too. Tommorrow is a huge catch up day, lol. You know what I mean!
I hope you feel better soon, we all have slumps like that. :)
I love your pumpkin design, we didn't even get a pumpkin this year,lol. $$ is horribly tight but the kids make it lots of fun. :)

Flames said...

*big hugs*
you are beautiful.